Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Festivus

Monday, September 3rd, 2007

Originally posted: 2006-12-24 19:19:51

…for the rest of us.

God Names Next “Chosen People”

Monday, September 3rd, 2007

Originally posted: 2005-12-22 00:00:00

It’s Jews Again

“Oh Shit,” Say Jews

Jerusalem (SatireWire.com) Update — Jews, whose troubled, 10,000-year term as God’s “chosen people” finally expired last night, woke up this morning to find that they had once again been hand-picked by the Almighty. Synagogues across the globe declared a day of mourning.

Asked if the descendants of Abraham shouldn’t be pleased about being tapped for an unprecedented second term, Jerusalem Rabbi Ben Meyerson shrugged. “Of course, you are right, we should be thrilled,” he said. “We should also enjoy a good swift kick in the head, but for some reason, we don’t.

“Now don’t ask such questions until you watch the news, or read history, or at least rent ‘Fiddler on the Roof’.”

Much of the world’s re-blessed Jewish community shared that feeling. “It’s always been considered a joke with us. You know, ‘Please G-d, next time choose someone else,’ ha ha,” said New York City resident David Bashert.

“Ha. Ha ha,” Bashert added. “Shit.”

According to a worldwide survey of faiths, not a single group expressed an interest in being chosen, and the only application submitted before last night’s filing deadline, on behalf of the Islamic people, proved to be a fake.

“Somebody filled out a form and signed our name to it, but I guarantee it wasn’t us,” said Imam Yusuf Al Muhammed of Medina, Saudi Arabia. “I’m not going to say who it was, but the application was filled out in Hebrew.”

“Oh, don’t be such a k’vatsh,” responded Meyerson. “It’s only 10,000 years. Trust me, after a few diaspora, you would have gotten used to the universal hatred thing.”

Due to the absence of voluntary candidates, God’s Law stipulated that the Almighty had to choose a people at random to serve out the next 10-millenia term. Elias Contreau, director of the International Interfaith Working Group, said he wasn’t surprised it came to a blind drawing.

“According to the Bible, God promised to bless Abraham and those who came after him,” said Contreau. “Who knows, maybe that sounded good at the time, or maybe ‘blessed’ meant something different back then, like ‘Short periods of prosperity interrupted by insufferable friggin’ chaos.’ Whatever, I think it’s safe to say that people didn’t know what they were agreeing to.”

Now they do, Contreau added, which he said explains why so many religions had lately been exalting God’s existence, but downplaying their own.

“We were not avoiding Him. We just told our parishioners that if Anyone asks, we’re out,” insisted Archbishop of Canterbury Dr. George Carey, who had called off services during February. “Besides, we weren’t the only ones. I didn’t see the Hindus raising their hands.”

“Now look, it’s like we told the ethereal vision who dropped off the application, ‘Sure, we have a strong shared faith and all that, but I wouldn’t exactly say we’re a ‘people,’ not really,'” recalled Hindu leader Samuldrala Swami Maharaj of Calcutta. “Plus, you know, I told him we had a lot of other commitments. We’d like to help, honestly. Another time, maybe.”

In Jerusalem, Jewish leaders said they will propose an amendment to God’s Law prohibiting a people from having to serve more than two consecutive terms. “Hopefully, G-d will hear our prayer,” said Meyerson. “No, wait, that’s what got us into this.”

Americans, meanwhile, expressed outrage at the decision, saying they had assumed they were God’s chosen people. However, explained Archbishop Carey, “It only seems that way because so many people don’t like you.”

Source: http://www.satirewire.com/news/march02/chosen.shtml

More Problems with FUMA

Monday, September 3rd, 2007

Originally posted: 2005-10-25 22:42:36

Study Reveals Pittsburgh Unprepared For Full-Scale Zombie Attack

PITTSBURGH—A zombie-preparedness study, commissioned by Pittsburgh Mayor Tom Murphy and released Monday, indicates that the city could easily succumb to a devastating zombie attack. Insufficient emergency management personnel training and poorly conceived undead-defense measures have left the city at great risk for all-out destruction at the hands of the living dead, according to the Zombie Preparedness Institute.

Read the full article at The Onion.

A Real Groaner

Monday, September 3rd, 2007

Originally posted: 2005-07-20 18:00:31

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens) called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John’s amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result… (more…)

In Defense of Biblical Marriage

Monday, September 3rd, 2007

Originally posted: 2005-02-17 12:30:09

The Presidential Prayer Team is currently urging us to “Pray for the President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify the definition of marriage. Pray that it will be according to Biblical principles. With many forces insisting on variant definitions of marriage, pray that God’s Word and His standards will be honored by our government.”

So here — in support of the Prayer Team’s admirable goals — is a proposed Constitutional Amendment codifying marriage, entirely on Biblical principles:

  1. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Gen 29:17-28 and II Sam 3:2-5)
  2. Marriage shall not impede a man’s right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam 5:13 and I Kings 11:3 and II Chron 11:21)
  3. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut 22: 13-21)
  4. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden. (Gen. 24:3 and Num 25:1-9 and Ezra 9:12 and Neh 10:30)
  5. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any State shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19 and Mark 10:9)
  6. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his sister-in-law, or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law. (Gen 38:6-10 and Deut 25:5-10) [see also Gen 19:31-36]

“As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.”

H.L. Mencken (1880 – 1956)

Gay Agenda Explained

Monday, September 3rd, 2007

Originally posted: 2004-07-16 10:26:58

It’s funny, G-rated and to the point…

Attack of the Gay Agenda

Election Year Rag

Monday, September 3rd, 2007

Originally posted: 2006-10-28 23:34:48

(lyrics by Steve Goodman)

Come on baby, wontcha take a chance
Your papa’s gonna show you a brand new dance
Come on down, now, dontcha be no drag,
And do that election year rag

It’s two steps to the left and two to the right
Then you stand in the middle and hold on tight
Shuffle on down, now–don’t you lag–
Do that election year rag.

Jump on that old band wagon,
now here’s what you’re gonna do:
Go down to your precinct captain’s house this mornin’
And scarf up some lame duck stew…

Don’t you cry, don’t shed no tears
You know it only comes around every four years
I’m your dark horse, and you’re my nag
Do that election year rag

If you feel like you need a score card
You really don’t have to fuss
Ya know the winner is always somebody else
And the loser is always us

Wontcha shake it to the east
Shake it to the west
Hand me down my bullet-proof vest
It’s nobody’s choice and it’s anybody’s guess
Do that election–(there ain’t no selection–)
Do that Election Year Rag!